I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
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The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal