I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
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Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
🙄😏😂🤣
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.