whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
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Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.