I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
You Might Also Like
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
For the ones in the back.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.