Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
You Might Also Like
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through