@LOsepyan: I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea
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@JKNenagh: Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy, and it's fun. * scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
@Sarcasticsapien: Me: How are you? Coworker: I can't complain. Me: *sticks finger in his coffee* Coworker: I just paid for that! Me: I knew you were lying.
@knot_eye: I can't be the only one that sees the day when a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
@weinerdog4life: I'm just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner