@LOsepyan: I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea
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@MrSkinnyGenes: We don't have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country's been through too much already.
@BorowitzReport: Romney: "I have nothing but respect for women. I'm good friends with the owners of some."
@JasonBanksComic: One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I'll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this... Lucky guess.