@LOsepyan: I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea
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@Brianhopecomedy: I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we're walking home with a cart.
@TheWadest: *requests Uber* *climbs in backseat* Uber driver: "Where to?" Me: "oh, nowhere. I just don't like to change my diaper in the street."
@CelebrityChez: Helpful tip: If you throw a baby at a tiger, I only recommend throwing a baby that you don't like.
@TheTweetOfGod: The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what's truly important in life, like their iPhones.