I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
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If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.