@Try2StopME: I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
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@sarcasm_inc: Bouncer: Woah. Dress code Me: This is a suit B: Yeah, a chicken suit. *puts nugget in bouncer's pocket *pats it M: We good? B: Have fun, sir
@ArfMeasures: ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
@msdanifernandez: If you liked "These Boots Are Made for Walkin" youll enjoy other hits like "This Toaster Toasts Things" and "Whats the Phone Number for 911"
@SlipCarefully: To avoid looking at the glass as half empty or full, i drink straight from the bottle.