I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
You Might Also Like
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
You had me at “define legal”.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?