I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
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Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I love wikipedia
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.