I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
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[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Brands during Pride
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
She: I like Cats
He:
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.