I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
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Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.