@BritXNic: I had an affair with English. Since then, Math and I don't speak.
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@vikkaroni: Job interview HR: What's your best asset? Me: I have an excellent memory. HR: Give me an example. Me: Of what?
@goldengateblond: Don't ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
@juliussharpe: I rented a tuxedo then didn't need it. Do you know how hard it is to sublet a tuxedo?
@BangMyBongo: Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time.. I say, the person who chose the spelling of, "Colonel" is the biggest liar of all time