@BritXNic: I had an affair with English. Since then, Math and I don't speak.
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@AlexRogaski: [Me as 911 Operator] *phone rings* I wait for it to stop ringing and text back "what's up"
@69underachiever: I guess I'm getting old. Now when I hear "Pour Some Sugar On Me" I think of 2 things. Who's cleaning it up and I hope we don't get ants.
@TheBoydP: Wife: Where'd you buy my gift? Me: Bed Bath & Beyond Wife: You used a coupon right? Me: Coupon? *wife faints*
@panmidwest: [My Funeral] "He died doing what he loved… saying 'Cars have to stop for pedestrians,' as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk."