I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
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I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
*power walks to the refrigerator*