I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
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My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.