I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
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them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
5 ways to appear taller
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
If you know, you know
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.