[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
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shut up and take my money
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
My flabber has been gasted.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast