I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
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Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
#dnd #ttrpg
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.