I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
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[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly