I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
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I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
B
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha