If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
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He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
The glockness monster
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE