My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
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oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I told my vodka about you.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-