I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
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People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.