If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
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One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know