Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
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If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”