@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here? ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don't. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

@dreamthievin: {Jeopardy} Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus? Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can't jump, Alex.

@Tmoney68: Made a special running playlist that's nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I've lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

@thegatekeeper50: Just bought animal crackers and a kayak. I hate you Costco.

@Schindizzle: The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.