I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
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A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Why font matters.