I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
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Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.