I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
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i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
oh my gosh!!
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
screw you
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.