I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
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me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…