I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
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Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.