@Crowetoons: "I had the worst Cruise ever." - Katie Holmes
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@warhorse76: If she runs away I will pursue her. But since she possesses superior footspeed and cardio I may have to borrow someone's bicycle.
@NoticablyBacon: December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
@BruceForce: Trying to convince my wife that the white powder on my nose is cocaine to hide the fact I've eaten a large sugary donut
@Parentpains: Avoid confrontations in the work place by slashing your coworker's tires while they sleep.