“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
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I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
thanks auntie mary
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Science memes
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes