@MariyaAlexander: I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
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@SooInnocentDad: Found my son and his GF naked in his room, Sex-ED is so advanced. Now, they also give homework!
@BoozeWallet: [walking through park with date] Did u know there's more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange [blood is just pouring from my mouth]
@timmartinwhy: WHAT I ORDER: French toast WHAT WAITER HEARS: If my water goes below the brim you die
@QwertyJones3: "What are you doing tonight?" Gonna smoke some Herb. "Nice." -guys who work in a crematorium