@MariyaAlexander: I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
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@FunkyFresh_79: Operator: 911 what's your emergency? Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I'M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
@vikkaroni: When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn't mean I love them. It means I love me too.
@birbigs: "You're joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?" -Jesus
@BackrowSeats: It won't be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It'll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.