@MariyaAlexander: I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
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@AbrasiveGhost: ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where's the nuke button ADVISOR: why ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
@Girl_Censored: A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said "you're like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.