I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
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[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed