girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
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“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
“i am a sweet baby”
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.