I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
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GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.