I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
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Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”