I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
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People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
my astrological sign is a french fry
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭