I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
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“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.