I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
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I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this