I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
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5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
scares
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
my dog when i have a friend over
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.