I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
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[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Message from the dog groomers
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I didn’t come here to be called names
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*