How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
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I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Going into Monday like
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Oh thanks BBC.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”