The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
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EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!