I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.