I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
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Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Beauty and the Beast
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.