I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
You Might Also Like
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
The future is now.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?