I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
You Might Also Like
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
My what?
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*