I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
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Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
*checks Timeline*…
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
181.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane