I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
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Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
me hitting on a model
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Bit chilly again tonight.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression