@NikiWithIssues: I hate airplanes and flying. It's like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
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@Vodkantots: If he doesn't return your texts, it's because he's busy leaving his wife for you. Obviously.
@KyleMcDowell86: KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me [BrewMaster] I thought youd love "hoppy" beer lol [Kangaroo] (sternly) That's racist
@ShortSleeveSuit: [first day on the job at a mattress store] Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now. Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
@Darlainky: Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes. -stores