I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
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Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding