@pattonoswalt: I hate all the "creepy clown" news. I'm having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
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@BradBroaddus: My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
@crunchenhancer: When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won't eat you. If that doesn't work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
@Tuna_Lover: Just spent $243.57 at the grocery store so the check out girl didn't think I was just buying KY and condoms.