I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
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Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Livid.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.