I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
You Might Also Like
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
☺️
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)