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@MyRedHairIsReal: I hate being bipolar it's awesome
@AlexRogaski: The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
@DearAnyone: "Try to score a goal. Don't use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
@Swishergirl24: Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
@Snarfernini: Quick! What's protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?
@mattselman: If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.