I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
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Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Who’s your best friend?
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER